My Part of the Conversation

Listen, I know it seems like it is a major inconvenience to notify the other drivers on the road of your intentions to turn.  I mean, sure, there are times for me when the needs of other people can be an inconvenience, and who likes constantly having to check in with someone else?  Really, telling someone you want to turn is just none of their business.  You do what you want.  You’re a big boy.

But, it’s just common courtesy.  You tell me when you want to turn, I tell you when I want to turn.  That way, we both know what’s happening on the road.  And when everyone does it properly, we are all just a little bit safer out there.  It helps us know that oversized SUV with a 16 year old girl in the driver’s seat is slamming on it’s breaks because its about to miss a turn.  It makes us aware that 93 Lincoln continental with the 74-year-old great-grandmother on the way home from the grocery story is trying to get into your lane ironically in the exact same spot your car happens to be at the time.  It makes that F-150 owner on the freeway aware of the fact that you really did get into the merging lane because you really are trying to merge into the lane he is so carefully guarding.

I know at times it can be difficult.  Most of us only have two hands.  Using the turn signal is fine, but there are so many other things we need to be doing while we drive.  I understand that you needed to call this instant your friend Veronica and tell her about that Peach silk scarf you saw on sale at Dillard’s.  Who hasn’t been running late and have to put their eye-liner on while alternating between steering and taking sips of your Starbuck’s Peppermint Mocha that’s only available for a limited time?  I know just how important it is to scan every station simultaneously to find, in that exact instant, the Michael Bolton song that has been stuck in your head for the last hour.  I know that text message to your girlfriend where you are trying to give a detailed explanation to her deep question of, “What’s up” can’t wait until you’re at a red light.  I know you have already been distracted enough by steering that your turn signal is just one more thing to worry about.  But like I said, it makes things better for all of us.

I know that nobody does it.  I think cops were the first ones to stop using them.  Hey, you think we have stuff to do in the car?  They have CB’s and laptops!  Turn signals get way down the list.  They are busy ignoring the drug deals going down in your neighborhood so they can bust the real criminals who have tags that expired a few days ago.  But even if law enforcement doesn’t set the pace, it’s still the law.

And don’t worry, once you turn, that little lever pops right back in place, like magic, so you can immediately pick up steering again while you hold your undersized cell phone to your ear and tell you cousin Shamika about how disappointed in the Fall season finale of Lost.

I mean really, when are we going to get some real answers?

Sincerely,

Guy Who Wants To Have A Warning Before You Slam On Your Brakes

I’m not a conspiracy theorist. But, I’m no fool, either.

The caterpillars are out to get me.

Not convinced? Listen, I’m accustomed to plagues. Every year, Phoenix would get a new one. One year it was white flies, followed by the massive amounts of birds that ate them. Another year it was wind, another rain, and yet another, caterpillars.

And those caterpillars are here, too. They’ve just started spreading in the past few days. And they have it out for me.

Saturday night, I had a bunch of the teens over to watch the LSU-UCLA game. As soon as we sat down and turned on the tv, I saw the screen get all scrambled, then go out. We have directv, so it was possible something was obstructing the signal. But, it was a clear, cool, calm evening. No reason to have problems. Besides, only the local channels were having problems.

Eventually, I got a decent signal. Yesterday my problems started up again. I had had it. I went outside to check out the dish. And what would I find?

Caterpillars were completely covering one of the receivers. They weren’t touching the other 2, just that one. The one I needed.

I cursed them, brushed them off and headed into the house. What a crazy fluke, right?

Till today. Completely covering it again. I brushed them all off.

They were back up there in an hour.

Sure, taking out my tv reception doesn’t classify as a major conspiracy. In fact, that game wasn’t much to see. But this is where it starts. Today they are obstructing my tv signal. Tomorrow they’re eating through my brakelines.

Everybody, keep your eyes open. Don’t let them out of your sight…